


A Game of Avengers

by IncompleteSentanc (Erava)



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire & Related Fandoms, Game of Thrones (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: At A Stretch, Automatically Blame Loki For It, Bruce Took One Look And Nope'd The Fuck Out, Bruce as High Septon, Bucky as Robb, Clint as ??, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark And Serious Crack, Dark Comedy, Fem!Tony, Fuck Cersei, Gen, Gender or Sex Swap, Humor, Natasha as Arya, Steve as Jon, Toni Takes Over The World With A Wineglass, Tony as Sansa, Universe Travel, mild body dysphoria, this is basically crack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-29
Updated: 2018-05-31
Packaged: 2019-05-15 08:47:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14787290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Erava/pseuds/IncompleteSentanc
Summary: The Avengers get mind-whammied and find themselves waking up in an all too familiar new reality.Not for the first time in his life, Tony hates the 'Stark' name, and for a whole new set of reasons.(Or: In Which Fem!Toni Stark Fucks Canon And Takes Over The World)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A typical GoT/Asoiaf story, so it has your typical violence, mentions of rape, and people die a lot. 
> 
> Except this time, Tony is at the head of it all, from a different perspective than you might expect. 
> 
> Serious with a big heap of crack.

* * *

 

 

Tony’s first thought when confronted with his new reality is, _‘fucking magic hangover, ow god why?’_

His second thought, as he moves to shove himself up into a sitting position, is that he’s naked.

His third is that he’s a girl.

A young female.

A teenager, _maybe,_ but still a _girl,_ and that creeps him out so bad he immediately has himself wrapped up in his blankets, which are made of literal fur, and then he stares down.

He prods one half-ass formed breast and hisses. “Ow. Ow, ow, okay.” He lowers his hand, grimacing. “Okay. Not completely fake then.” He muses, _violently_ red hair falling into his face. “Pep?” He asks automatically, which is dumb, because he’s alone. And the hair is… attached to his head. “Oh, this is weird. I don’t like this.” Tony decides uneasily, because as he looks around, he’s beginning to notice things.

Familiar things.

His eyes land on a mirror and he cringes in on himself, on _herself,_ so hard it makes him nauseas.

He might not be a TV person, now or ever in his life, but even he knows about Game of Thrones - from his surname alone, he knows the damned show and books.

And he also recognizes Sansa Stark’s face staring back at her from the mirrored bed. Her young, _twelve year old face._

 

 

* * *

 

 

It turns out, Tony’s the first one. He arrives the earliest, before the beginning of the show, or at least with time moving so slowly between events that it feels that way. He never watched much of the show, which he just _knows_ is going to bite him in the ass.

Her.

Bite _her_ in the ass.

Uhg.

He was a she. A she destined to get raped and physically and emotionally tortured.

“Toni Stark.” She calls herself, and refuses to allow anyone to call her anything else. It starts mumblings that she’s addled, and for a moment, she almost hopes that’ll be enough - but nope.

“The Prince will marry me and I will have his _babies.”_ Toni mocks gleefully, dropping sideways onto his/her bed, then rolls onto her back to scowl up at the sky. “Ridiculous.”

“You _sound_ ridiculous.” Arya says, tone deceptive, and Toni blinks. He/she lifts herself up onto his elbows, frowning at Arya in the doorway. He’s been there in that time for three weeks, and now, looking at Arya, he can see a difference in this Arya and the one who he argued with over bacon every morning for said three weeks.

Toni squints. Arya arches a brow. Toni tilts her head a bit. Arya mirrors it. “Fucking Natashalie.” Toni accuses fiercely and Arya blinks, startled before frowning deeply.

“Tony?”

“Yeah, with an I, because I’m a goddamn girl now, what the shit is with this? Why do you get to have my luscious black hair and I’m the fucking redhead with all the future torture?”

Natasha rolls her eyes, then walks in and frowns at Toni, coming to a stop in front of her. She’s adorably short to Toni’s annoying tallness (he _remembers_ how tall Sansa gets, and that’s bittersweet considering how short he is in reality,) and meets Toni’s gaze head on, searchingly. “Arya grows up to torture and murder people. I think I fit the bill.”

“So, what?” Toni wrinkles her nose, leaning back. “Why am I the gender bender? Because Jon Snow’s hair is to die for and I feel ripped off.”

“You just want black hair.” Natasha notes and he shrugs.

“It’s good to have some familiarity.” He explains, like the weirdest part isn’t having blue eyes instead of brown ones when he looks himself in the mirror.

Herself. She looks _herself_ in the mirror.

Uhg.

“So dye it.” Natasha rolls her eyes. “Sansa does in the books, anyway. Dyes it black and calls herself Petyr Baelish’s daughter.”

“Who the fuck is Petyr Baelish?”

“Hopefully someone we know, or we’re in for a hard one.” Natasha says, frowning deeply in thought. “If we’re all here, that means one thing.”

“Loki.” They say together and Natasha wrinkles her nose before nodding.

“So we’re all here, then, not just two of us, right? When did you wake up?”

“Three weeks ago, where the hell have you been?” Toni demands and Natasha blinks at her, blank and in the unpleasant way.

“Toni, I only woke up a moment ago. You disappeared _maybe_ a second before me.”

“...Fuck. Did anyone else disappear before you did?”

“Bruce made a noise?” Natasha offers, then tilts her head. “He’s probably Hodor. Poor guy…”

“The fuck is Hodor?” Toni asks, pitch rising.

“Giant guy, not very bright. Hulk pet instead of Hulk smash.” Natasha explains surprisingly effectively. “Bran Stark, Jojen, and Meera Reed go over the Wall with Hodor’s help.”

“Who the hell are they?!”

“Greenseers-”

“What the fuck is a Greenseer?!” Toni demands in glass-breakingly high pitch.

Natasha stares her down until she calms, ducking her head in embarrassment.

“Sorry, please explain in small words, I only watched like three episodes.”

Natasha looks at him in horror. “Oh, no… Oh, that’s bad.”

“Relax, I didn’t live under a rock. I know everyone dies, I just… didn’t watch it myself.”

“Um. Well. We aren’t off to a great start, waking up as Starks… Who would the others be?” Natasha wonders. “Come on, let’s spar while we think. I need to see how good you are.”

 

  


* * *

 

 

“Definitely Ramsey.” Toni pants as she and Natasha dance, a staff held in each of their hands and thunking together loudly. _Not_ her favorite weapon, but the easiest for this pampered body to manage. Easier than it would’ve been to wield when she’d first shown up, as well, as she’d done plenty of hard working out of impatient boredom since then.

“He’s not Ramsey.” Natasha snaps for the third time.

“He’s _Ramseeeey~!”_ Toni sings, ducking under a violent sweep that almost takes her head off. “Look, I got turned into a fucking girl, okay? _Sansa Stark,_ of all choices. I think I’ve earned the right to take the lowest point here and make fun of everyone above me, got it? So Clint is Ramsey until proven otherwise and that means shut up. Now show me how to kick ass, tiny ninja - I’m going to seriously need it.”

Tiny Natasha wipes the ground with her ass, and in the stands, a surprised Ned Stark laughs at the sight.

  


* * *

 

 

 

When Cap comes flying through, it’s fucking _predictable,_ is what it is. He falls over and wakes up as Jon Snow.

There’s quite a lot of room for humor here, but mostly it’s just bittersweet. “The tortured hero of the story.” Toni mocks wryly under her breath, too far from Natasha or Steve for either of them to hear. Jon Snow, wearing Steve’s innocent face, listens intently as Natasha speaks, occasionally shooting glances at Toni. He seems more than a little alarmed, and Toni gets why when he comes walking up fifteen minutes later.

“Sansa, huh? That’s… not good, Toni.” Steve says quietly and Toni shrugs.

“Yeah, well, I’ll live.” Toni says dismissively. He’ll never not be pissed about Siberia and the way Steve had let everything go down, but he tries to ignore that, focusing on the more important problem. Like that they’re stuck in another universe full of bullshit and magical levels of _suckage._ “Jon Snow, huh? Guess you’re going back to the ice.” Toni says, not even trying to be an asshole, and immediately wants to take it back. Steve looks stricken and grim. “Sorry, I meant- uhg. This sucks.” Toni sighs and Steve grimaces, nodding.

“Yeah. And, well. I’m not so sure. About the ice thing.” Steve clarifies, frowning deeply. “I remember A Song Of Ice And Fire.”

“A what?” Toni interjects.

“The name of the book universe.” Natasha supplies, stepping up beside Steve. The three of them are standing just outside the training yard in the cold, out in the open but having the single most indecipherable conversation anyone could have in this universe. “The book series is called A Song Of Ice And Fire. The TV series is called Game of Thrones.” Natasha explains and Toni frowns deeply.

“Okay. And how do those two diverge?”

“By a _lot.”_ Natasha and Steve say decisively, then grimace at each other. “Too much.” Steve says, sighing. “But I read the books and so did Natasha. She knows more about the differences in each ‘universe’ than I do.”

“With Clint’s yammering on, I’ve basically seen the show five times over.” Natasha says mildly. “Once we reach the time of the episodes or books, I’ll be able to figure out which one it is. Though, from the looks of us, I’d say we’re in the show.” Natasha says, pointedly looking down at herself and the fact that she looks, well, like _Arya._ Like the actor playing the girl.

“Isn’t there a really big Targaryen difference between the  book and show?” Toni asks curiously and Natasha and Steve both get dark looks on their faces. “Don’t go full nerd on me, just give me some rundowns.”

They exchange a long, long glance.

“...Okay. A rundown. Well, let’s start with the Targaryens, I suppose.” Steve runs a hand through his ruffled hair and sighs. “In the show, there are two confirmed Targaryens. Dany and, uh.” He gestures vaguely at himself. “And in the books, there’s supposed to be three Targaryens. Dany is the only confirmed one, so they guess Aegon, Dany’s nephew, and, er. Me.”

“...I’m confused.” Toni proclaims. “You’re my half brother, right? Did Sean Bean bone a dragon lady?” She demands, squinting suspiciously at Steve, who looks pained for a long minute.

“Okay. A… deeper rundown, then. Jon Snow is actually supposedly a Targaryen, born from Lyanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen-”

“Wait, what the fuck?”

“Shh!” Natasha hisses sharply.

“But isn’t Lyanna kidn-”

“Toni!” Steve snarls softly and Toni frowns at him irritably.

“Yes?”

“Shut up and listen. Stop asking questions, we can’t answer _everything.”_

“Just take the rundown and roll with it. I’ll write up a proper debrief tonight, so listen for now.”

“Okay.” Toni says slowly, then does her best to keep up with the nonsense the two yammer on about.

 

 

* * *

 

 

There’s three irritating things about their situation. One, Toni’s the only one in a decent political position no matter what they do. Unless they do something super drastic. Two, Steve _sucks_ at dealing with this type of political universe, and more than once Toni has to take him aside and remind him that ruthlessness is actually a necessary thing here.

And three, Natasha is too tiny to be her usual entirely bad ass self.

Mostly this annoys her and only her, but she’s so annoyed that the annoyance permeates into the other two, until they’re all sullenly irritated by it.

Steve. Sucks. At. Politics. “I can’t do this.” Toni proclaims three weeks after Steve’s arrival. “I can’t. Natasha, it’s a lost cause.” Toni rubs at her face in exhaustion. “No matter what, I can’t get him to see it my way.”

“Because your way is unnecessarily drastic!” Steve protests weakly, sounding honestly confused.

“Steve,” Natasha sighs.

“No. No, we can’t teach him, it’s a lost cause. We should just… didn’t that Lord Commander dude do a good job beating politics into Jon Snow’s head?” Toni asks Natasha, who bites her lip.

“Not really the best idea, but honestly, we _need_ eyes and a man on the Wall. It’s too important a location, and too important an opportunity when we _know_ you’ll climb high in their ranks.” Natasha points out to Steve.

“Yeah, but the stabbing thing.” Toni points out reasonably.

“Melisandre will fix it.”

“As someone who’s done it, dying sucks, I would not suggest.” Toni tells Steve, refocusing her attention to the obviously more level headed one.

“No, Nat’s right.” Steve says and Toni sighs. Loudly.

“Fine, go throw yourself into a political minefield on the faint hope that some random motherfucker will be able to teach you what your two friends could not.” Toni complains. Also loudly.

“You’re both too violent! And cold!” Steve protests and Tony rolls her eyes.

“And this is why I gave up.” She mutters to Natasha, who sends a commiserating but also exasperated look. A combination only she could make look so pretty.

Damn Russians.

“This is stupid.” Toni announces. “Steve, who knows all about the books, wants to gallivant off to where he knows his character gets killed, with no idea how to do anything better than the original character did to begin with. Me, who knows _nothing_ about this world, gets stuck as the person with the most political power. For now, at least.” She pauses, frowning. “I could probably play Joffrey for more power, but… is that gay or just incredibly creepy? Or both? I’m technically a girl, but my brain is all male.” Toni admits with a frown. “And the kid’s like- wow.” Toni takes a deep, calming breath at the sudden, unbelievable realization.

“I’m probably gonna get raped by a thirteen year old boy. Or however old he is.”

“Sixteen, if it’s the show.” Natasha says.

“Oh, way better. Are we forgetting that I’m a fifty year old guy? This is ridiculous. Mortifying.” Toni mutters further irritated, incoherent complaints before clearing her throat and looking up again. “Okay. How do we make this less stupid?”

Everyone looks at one another for a long minute. “...Have faith?” Steve offers.

Natasha and Toni sigh.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“No.” Is the very first thing Bucky Barnes says after his arrival, the very next day. “I refuse. I want to renegotiate my contract.”

“Yeah, so do I, buddy.” Toni snarls at the form of Robb Stark. She’s as far from him and his unwilling-but-still-murdering hands as she can get, leaning against a distant wall and watching over Steve’s shoulder.

“I’m not going to be this… _Young Wolf_ or whatever they called him.” Says Bucky, who has seen up to season one of Game of Thrones and got sick of the deaths. Wimp.

“Don’t worry, you’ll die soon anyways.” Toni says acidly.

Steve shoots her a furious look that she ignores, and Natasha sends a disapproving one that she doubly-ignores.

“Well, I can say one thing for sure.” Steve cuts in with a sigh, “and it’s somewhat good news.” Everyone perks up at that and Steve points at Bucky. “I wasn’t sure about it, but the more I look around, the more I realize. Not only do we look more like the show’s description of us,” down to a ‘t’, “we’re also different ages. The show’s ages. Which means we’re most likely in the show’s universe, not the book.”

“Or a combination.” Natasha says, but she sounds relieved. “That means we can filter out a lot of the plots.” She says and Steve nods agreeably. “You still won’t be safe on the Wall.”

“No, but it’ll be even more important for me to go. There’s too many reasons for me not to.”

“Okay, well I’m not waging war on Westeros.” Bucky cuts in, drawing the attention back to him. “It’s not happening. No.” Bucky shakes his head sharply, his two flesh hands waving firmly as he does. “No war.”

“The war starts no matter what.”

“Not if I don’t spark the fire by proposing the North goes to war over it all.”

“Was that even you who did that?” Toni asks and Bucky shoots her an exasperated look.

“I don’t care, but it’s not happening. No war. No… no Ned Stark getting his head chopped off to begin with, got it, Stark- shit. Toni, Natasha? Got it?” Bucky asks tiredly, rubbing at his eyes, and Toni glares daggers at him before nodding sharply.

“Agreed. Reluctantly. And with great disdain.” Toni says smoothly, sniffing dismissively. “Now, assume we’re working on show material then. I know about a lot of major shit, but what about the minor shit? Who’s who doing what with who else while shit goes down?” She moves as if bracing herself, looking at Steve and Natasha intently.

They sigh softly together. “We’ll adjust our lineage teachings accordingly.”

“Riveting.” Toni lies. “So I’ll keep Sean Bean alive - somehow - and Steve will… keep Steve alive, somehow, Barnes will do whatever Barnes will do, and Natasha will…?”

“Stick by your side and keep you out of trouble.” Natasha says firmly and Toni nods.

“Yeah, that.”

“Barnes.” Natasha adds, drawing attention to the elephant man in the room. “You need to gather your banners and focus on having them ready for the white walkers.”

“The what?”

Natasha sighs, again. “Steve, you teach Toni. I’m working on Bucky.”

“I thought I was teaching Steve.” Toni protests, frowning.

“That was before we gave up on him.”

“Oh, yes. I forgot.” Toni smiles at Steve as Natasha leads Bucky away. “So, what first, teacher?”

Steve rubs at his eyes. “Okay, last time we were talking about the Mad King’s descendants…”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers discuss canon, find direwolves, and figure out which 'verse they're in.

* * *

 

 

Three weeks go by and no one else shows up. “Looks like it’s just us, then.” Steve says uneasily. 

“Why the hell the four of us?”

“Beats me.” Bucky shrugs and Toni grimaces.

“If it made sense, we wouldn’t be standing here… But I know I heard Bruce get hit with the same thing Toni and I did.” Natasha says with a frown. “And there’s a six week instead of three week gap between me showing up and Steve arriving.”

“So you think Bruce is here, but not with us?” Toni concludes and Natasha confirms with a nod. “Damn. Then there’s no telling who is here or not. Or where they ended up, or who as, or how we’ll meet again.” Toni sighs and Steve exchanges a grim look with Bucky.

“That’s not a good sign.” Steve sighs heavily. “People might be trying to alter things for the greater good at the same time as us, and then things will get mixed up and lost in the confusion.”

“Or trying to alter things for  _ their _ greater good.” Natasha muses, all of their minds going to Clint.

_ “Ramsey~” _ Toni sings, then hisses out her breath when Natasha drives a bony elbow into her side. “Jesus, those elbows are like toothpicks.” She gasps out weakly. 

“I wonder if one of us will end up as Daenerys.” Bucky muses.

 

* * *

 

It’s another week after that that  _ it _ happens.

The Event.

The Big Bang.

The way they know where the fuck they are, when the fuck they are. 

Steve, Bucky, and Ned Stark go out and come back with direwolves.

“So we’re officially in the timeline.” Natasha concludes as they sit in a semicircle, toying with their animals. Natasha had gone with ‘Nymeria’ as the direwolf’s name, Steve was too used to Ghost being called Ghost to call him anything else, and Bucky looked at his dog in disgust. 

“Grey Wind and the Winter Soldier. Both our names are dramatic.” He mutters before accepting the animal, grudgingly.

“Her name is Anna.” Toni announces instantly, and thus Lady becomes Anna, the dog who won’t die for stupid reasons this go around. “Jarvis’ wife,” She adds on later as an explanation for the seemingly random name.

“A good name, then.” Steve says decisively, after a moment to mourn the deceased Jarvis and JARVIS. 

“Thanks for the approval.” Toni bitches, but holds Anna close and takes the first step towards maybe one day possibly forgiving Steve for the ‘Civil War’.

_ Maybe. _

“Direwolves, huh.” Natasha says thoughtfully. “I wonder if that’ll make us wargs.”

“Make us what?”

“The power Bran uses to posses creatures and people.” Natasha explains and Toni and Bucky exchange confused looks. “Well, some people. Only Hodor, really. Special circumstances, according to the show.” She says distractedly. “Regardless, the point remains.”

“The white-eyed thing?” Toni clarifies. Natasha gives her an impatient look. “What? I’ve only seen clips. I’m not into the franchise!” She defends herself.

“Yes, the white-eyed thing.” Natasha mutters.

“I’ll put down a note to discuss this during our next study,” Steve cuts in a bit irritably, “But right now, can we focus? On the fact that we’re in at least a partial show universe?”

“Yeeeah, that’s actually pretty weird.” Toni decides, frowning. 

“Are you only just now realizing?” Natasha demands incredulously and Toni pulls an argumentative face.

“FOCUS!” Steve claps his hands together and they both glare at him. “We’ll cross the warg bridge when we get there. If we’ve got it, great, if not, too bad, doesn’t matter, we need to focus.”

“Got it, Cap.” Toni agrees dryly but not sarcastically, folding her arms across her chest. “So, what are we focusing on?”

“How the fuck do we figure out how closely this all matches what canon.”

“Cannons?” Toni asks, utterly incredulous.

“What do cannons have to do with this?” Bucky agrees with a frown.

Natasha groans loudly.

 

* * *

 

“...and long story short, that’s why we need to stop Euron Greyjoy from trying to take the Ironborn throne.” Steve concludes, a week later.

Toni nods, frowning in deep thought for a long, long minute.

“Wait. The Ironborn want to do  _ what _ with the what Horn?”

Steve stares at him blankly for a while, then just kind of stands up. “You’re kidding me. You didn’t get any of it. You didn’t-” Steve cuts off with a hiss, sticking his head out of the library to shout to Natasha, “He didn’t get any of it! We’ve been here for  _ three hours!” _ Natasha shouts something back and Steve throws up his arms. “ _ I know!” _ He angrily shares her dismay. _ “I’m  _ impossible to teach?!”

 

* * *

 

Months go by since their initial arrival, sludging by slowly and under the watch of wary eyes. They wait for the other shoe to drop,  _ knowing _ it’s going to but not knowing where it’ll land, and wait up until the day the royal procession arrives in Winterfell. 

There’s two surprises that reach them with the arrival of the procession. One, Joffrey is every bit as terrible as they’d known he would be, and it’s really painfully hard not to smack the shit out of the little bastard. 

And two?

_ Peter. _

 

* * *

 

 

“You’re tiny.” Toni judges, staring intently at Peter’s small, chubby face.

“What’m I supposed to do, Mr. Sta- ah, uhm, mister- missus-,” He stammers. “Missus?” Peter suggests and Toni frowns. “Mr. Stark what am I supposed to do?” Peter begs, and the poor kid sounds honestly agonized. “It’s been horrible. I’ve been here this whole month, and everyone disappeared before me and I woke up here, alone, and with  _ Joffrey _ of all people? He tried to skin my cat! I didn’t even know I had until he  _ tried to skin it!” _ Peter half sobs.

Toni shushes him, gently patting him on the back.

“Yes, get ahold of the Baratheon genes in person.” King Robert says proudly as he walks past their open doorway. Toni looks up from the dining room floor to stare blankly at the man, who nods sharply at her. “Just remember to focus on the son your age, isn’t that right, Tommen?” Robert barks a laugh at Peter before waddling off, Ned and Jory following a step behind. 

Toni waits until they’re gone. “So, anyways,” She rounds on the kid, clapping her hands together in front of him. “Tell me you’ve got news. Good news. Good news, please.”

“What… kind of news?” Peter asks slowly and shakily, voice breaking in pitch. Eugh, pterodactyl stage of childhood. Tommen looked to be only nine or ten, or a particularly short eleven or twelve year old. 

Ah, fuck it, Toni can’t tell how old he looks - Toni’s been strictly avoiding children his entire life, he barely even knows what they look like beyond ‘small humans’.

He’s young.

And high pitched.

Toni flicks Peter on the nose for the offensive noise, making him yelp, which, again. 

“Ow! Why?!” Peter demands, covering his nose and swatting at Toni’s striking fingers whenever she tries again.

“You’re too high pitched. Bring down the volume, walking migraine. You’re bringing bad vibes.”

“Bad  _ vibes? Bad vibes? _ Mr. Stark, please stop watching youtube videos.”

“No way, brah.” Toni says as obnoxiously as possible before, with equal levels of disgust, they look away and refuse to acknowledge that she actually just said that out loud. “Anyways. News. Anyone else showing up on the map?” Toni asks and gets a blank stare from Spider-Kid. “Come on, any other Avengers? Don’t tell me you’re the only one in King’s Landing.”

“I, uh, actually,”

“I  _ know _ you can’t be the only one in King’s Landing, there’s like five of us in little ol’ Winterfell alone!” Toni protests.

“Well I didn’t go out much?” Peter tries to explain. “So. I didn’t see much. In King’s Landing, I mean. Or on the way out.” He pauses, frowning. “Though, I did hear a really weird rumor about the High Septon having a psychotic break? Not in so many words, but, yeah, basically the same end result. He’s really stoned now, like, all the time, I guess?” Peter offers. “Not that being stoned is, um, psychotic, but I mean he went through something weird and started acting all different. I guess something spooked him pretty bad.”

“Be more specific here, kid, throw in a little detail once in a while maybe?  _ What _ did the High Septon ‘go through’?” Toni demands and Peter shrugs one arm uncertainly.

“I, uh, only heard the rumors - but I heard he flipped out. Like, started panicking and then ordered everyone to bring him ‘milk of the poppy’ and then leave him alone.”

“Wait.” Toni pauses. “Woke up and started panicking, sounds like it could be a couple of us. You, me, Clint, Steve, or Bruce, really. Sam’s probably the only one of us  _ immune _ to that kind of response.” Toni muses before shaking her head. “But jumping straight to ‘milk of the poppy’ to cope? That’s drastic, isn’t it? Straight opium, no?” 

“Well not straight straight, that’d kill- yes, basically.” Peter says, hurrying when she glares. “Seems drastic, yeah.”

“Drastic. And which one of us does  _ drastic?” _ Toni asks sarcastically, realization already dawning. “Mother _ fucker.” _ Toni breathes out and after a moment, her eyes narrow. “I  _ knew _ that little asshole used drugs to control the Hulk! He was just hiding them! Ahg, JARVIS, why did you never share?” Toni groans, reminiscing of her traitorous, drug-concealing AI son-bot.

Toni pauses again.

“Wait. The world’s arguably most unstable  _ doctor _ came here and… responded by getting high on straight opium?” Toni frowns deeply.

The two of them exchange worried glances.

“I’m worried.” Peter informs Toni honestly. “Like, I actually am. I’m actively worrying right now.”

“Okay.” Toni cuts the kid off. “On the other hand, shut up, I don’t care. More importantly… Bruce…” Toni pauses, perturbed.

“Bruce what?”

Toni looks at him, insulted. “Bruce took one look at this universe and checked the fuck out. He  _ ditched _ us. For  _ opium.” _

“Yeah, but, like. In all seriousness,” Peter attempts.

“Yeah, probably not a great sign he did that.” Toni admits.

  
  


* * *

 

 

“No, it isn’t.” Natasha concludes.

“Yeah, so how long has he been doing drugs, by the way?” Toni asks distractedly.

“If we focus on the fact that he’s actually taking something, it could be a good sign, though.” Steve points out and Toni frowns.

“Because he would’ve been doing them under my roof, you know.”

“He’s trying to keep the Hulk at bay.” Bucky says by way of agreement.

“Which is in my name. Where he does drugs.”

“So by taking the opium, he’s controlling the Hulk.” Steve concludes happily, cheered up.

A brief silence follows while Natasha looks torn between smiling at or being horrified by the naivety in Steve’s tone.

“Which is  _ suuper illegal.” _ Toni stresses slowly, eyeing everyone for  _ some sorta reaction here. _

“What is? Opium?” Steve asks, frowning at Toni.

Toni claps once, loudly, throws out her hands and turns around. “Nope, I’m done. Down and out.”

“What?” Steve sounds honestly shocked.

“Dude, have you  _ met  _ my  _ betrothed?” _ Toni said the last word with the world’s most overabundance of melodrama. “He’s batshit crazy, and I need him to - and listen to the words that are coming out of my mouth, because this shit is fucking insane, and this is exactly what I’m talking about here -  _ fuck me pregnant _ and then get murdered so I can rule in his stead.” Toni says slowly, turning back around to frown at them all. “Do you begin to see the problem I might have with this situation?”

Silence fills the room, unusually serious as the four (plus baby Peter) take this in.

“Okay, yeah, that’s pretty brutal.” Bucky admits.

“Yeah, hey Mr. Stark, how are we going to um, you know, avoid… that?” Peter trails off slowly when everyone looks at him. “...O-oh. We don’t, do we?”

_ “Nope.” _ Toni hisses out and it’s all venom. “Because someone needs to be in the goddamned political circus, and it’s down to me, you, or Natasha, and you two are like eight and thirteen.”

“I’m ten.” Peter protests.

“Eleven.” Natasha adds, unimpressed. 

“Yeah, not the best options. I’ve done this shit all my life anyways, what’s a little more. Hey, how long until I can get knocked up?” Toni asks, eager for it to all be  _ well _ over already.

“Have you started your period yet?” Natasha asks, to the silence of Toni’s horrified reaction. “Oh. I’m guessing you forgot about that, somehow.”

“Forgot? I have to  _ remember _ this, now?” Toni snarls. “Fuck this. Fuck you. Fuck all of you, even you, Peter, zip it. I’m leaving.” Toni says, heading for the door. “I’m getting the hell out of dodge. This is me, evacuating the goddamned epicenter of the world’s biggest shitshow- oh hi.” Toni blinks up at the sight of Ned Stark, frozen with one hand lifted to knock on the door she’d just opened.

“Sansa, what in the world?” Ned begins to ask, utterly lost, and Toni throws her hands up in pure frustration.

“It’s  _ TONI!” _ She snarls before slamming the door shut, feeling like the teenage girl she’s supposed to be, for once.

She sits down against the door, ignoring Ned’s uncertain paper-light tapping against the wood, and frowns at the other Avengers in the room. “I’m beginning to believe this is all a mistake.”

 

* * *

 

 

Interacting with Joffrey is actually literally humiliating - because Toni has to  _ let it be. _

Toni’s a jack-of-all-trades in his photographic mind, and anything that exists in their world, she can theoretically make here. Albeit with much more difficulty… But still, point is, she could build a weapon to protect himself.

She doesn’t.

She sits there and  _ takes it. _

With a  _ smile, _ docile and stupid, like she isn’t furious at every tiny press of buttons as Joffrey tries to play her.

The little bastard is sixteen and she’s nearly fifty. She’d  _ kick his fucking ass _ if the Avengers weren’t relying on her.

But, no. Someone needs to be in control in the Capital. Peter sucks at it, Natasha’s terrifyingly good but too young to be taken seriously, and that leaves  _ Sansa Stark. _

Uhg, she wants to puke.

 

* * *

 

  
  


“Okay, wait.” Toni holds up a hand, stopping Steve during their lesson.

“What now?” He asks tiredly.

“Just go over that bit about the Others again. You’re saying I need a Valyrian steel blade to cut that motherfucker up?”

“Well. We don’t even know it’ll work on the Night King, but for the other... Others, yes.” Steve says and Toni frowns thoughtfully.

“...Think we can pilfer Ice off Ned and make Nat and I some nice and shiny new daggers?”

“And at least two swords beside. Have you seen the size of that thing? You don’t need a shield with that sword - it’s a sword  _ and _ shield it’s so thick.”

“Thicc.” Toni clicks her tongue as hard as she can.

Steve looks at her curiously. “Yes, thick. I just said that. Why?”

“Huh? Oh, nothing. But yeah. Fire, Valyrian steel, and obsidian?”

“Fire, Valyrian steel, and obsidian.” Steve confirms.

“Cool. So make that an obsidian sword. A sword made of  _ darkness.” _ Toni says dramatically. “And _ fear.” _

Steve sighs. “Tony. No.”

“Tony yes.”

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni all the yes.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed ♥~

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed. Leave comments if you have any advice! ♥


End file.
